i'm sinking, but i like it.

so another day has dawned, practically been and gone. this last week has been the weirdest and most surreal ever, actually not ever, it would be ever if i was off my face on drugs... but unfortunately i wasn't. i know whats wrong with me now, i have been the most open in my entire life. i tell whatever i like to whoever i like. usually i keep myself to myself, but not this week. i don't think i like it very much but i can't help it, its like a disease. verbal diarrhea? no i don't think so, just a change, which won't last for long so make the most of it.
james always puts me in a good mood. not many bands can do that. brings home, or should i say 'come home' all those memories of infant family life and camping trips to devon. gives me the goosebumps.
god, what a topic. i wish i could meet him. god that is. not as in god what a topic.

you know what i'm letting go of all my worries and insecurities and putting them in nothing, not a shitty little box in some distant place in my mind because they will still be there, i'd prefer them to float around my skull like they would if they were in space, because that way they're free and i'm free. theres no point in pretending they're not there when they clearly are. i'm at peace with them now. its ok my willys good.

my mood has evapourated into something alot better. its weird how one person can change how you feel.

started today badly again... late. always late, missed 45 minutes today. really should stop using the cervical cancer jab as an excuse. i feel better today, but i think i could quite possibly be the definition for confused. this is a lot harder than i anticipated. i think the change of season could be contributing to this, as i am not the only one. its actually quite strange because usually i love the change in seasons, especially from summer to autumn.
really looking forward to seeing sam next week. i don't think he is that bothered though. i hope uni doesn't change him. i am so jealous of him. i think seeing him in his new environment will comfort me.
i hope he doesn't read this, i don't know why i don't like him reading it, i just suppose it is my biggest public outlet of emotional feeling.
i am so strange sometimes i question myself. sometimes i wonder why my friends are friends with me. i know they love me but occaisionally i know they don't understand, charlotte gives me the: you are boardering on psycho look.
god appologies for the depressing entry if you're reading. i am just one moody, pissed off angsty teen. its like the mood swings of puberty have struck late. the pressures of everything are too much at the moment. i need a holiday.

sometimes when i suck my teeth they taste like poo. they must be in serious need of a clean. god i'm disgusting.
alice's tales of germany have just had me sat here pissing myself with laughter, which is what i need.
this blog is about me and no one else, so i'll try not to rant on about sam today. i am still with him and i do miss him and he's gone to uni. i question whether he misses me. i know he does but he's having such a good time i feel like he has forgotten about me. i miss him, but i'll get used to it. i'll see him in less than two weeks anyway. even though i trust him i do worry some beautiful, thin 'liberated' girl will lur him away.
i think i've lost something. i'm unhappy and worried, and its not all about sam, its something else too. i feel out of the loop and lonely. i need some good old fashioned fun. huge house party this weekend on my behalf? perhaps not, but a girly american slumber party with my girlfriends will be good.
i really want a cigarette. my parents know i smoke now, they asked, i told. gave up for a while though, after reading. but started again recently.
people have told me i look like i've lost weight, which is nice, but i've probably piled it back on by eating that giant chocolate bar charlotte and molly bought me. thanks guys, and to lauren for the flowers.
got told i look like a cowboy today. twice.
the fringe is back.
i wish sam wasn't so far away, i feel a little lost. i wrote a letter to him. i was brave and opened up to him abit more. just worried that he'll think i like him more and then feel guilty and like he has to stay with me. god why do i have to be so weird when it comes to emotions, sometimes i think its better just to keep them to myself.
i am not myself. maybe art and music will help this. really want a joint right now.
oh i have a new art teacher who is really good. my sister moved out and my other sister is having a baby.
i had a go at some boy the other day, for being a womaniser. why do certain girls do everything in their lives to attract men, they way the act, the way they look?
i hate it. i will never be like that.
i'm worried i'm turning into a feminist, my legs are a bit stubbly actually.