i'm numb and dumb. hows your bean doing?

i'm going to vomit in your hair.

why do i care about you so much? i don't even know why i am angry at you.

decided that i shall try to be a sexy megan fox trying to be a dashing fantastic mr fox for halloween. ha its just an excuse to wear my fur coat. just lacking some cute ears and a bushy tail.

slightest little bit of doubt brings all those horrible insecurities flooding back, why is it such an effort to talk to you?

Come up and see me, make me smile
Or do what you want, run on wild

i miss you :(

for molly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KzdHIFB2oY&feature=related

www.myspace.com/hillikus2009 - this is my mates, matt and frazers band, give them a listen, its worth it.
can't wait for the new series of the family to begin, that fat indian family look jokes. yes i know i am sad. also excited for sunday, can't wait to see sam, really missing him today. i'm not sure alot of his friends understand our relationship, i don't think they think we like each other as much as we do. we don't make it too obvious i suppose.
i've had a few controversial comments about my coat, funnily enough the vegans were the most accepting of it, whereas the meat eaters were all like thats disgusting, its an animal. how is wearing an animal (which you'll get 100's of years use out of) worse than EATING an animal? hypocrites, i'm a vegetarian and i don't have anything against you for choosing to eat meat. its not like the coat is still warm!

i love charity shops, just bought the most amazing fox fur coat, for £50. bloody steal, should've been at least £250. Also got a wool duffle coat, scarf and chunky knit jumper for £10. don't know really what else to write, things have got a lot more mainstream and general on here since i started my note book. i don't feel i need to expose things on here anymore.

lol: 'things would be alot easier if i was dead'. finally started my notebook.

When no one hears you any more that is when you will notice you are not significant. i went to portsmouth today. quite lonely. not sure if i liked it, it didn't have the same atmosphere as falmouth, but i am weary about applying to falmouth as most people will assume i want to go there because of sam. maybe it is?

i am 119 in dog years, its a dogs life. here is a sketch i have done from the pictures me and sam took in the style of john coplans.

i have found my career. i want to be a weave master.

i'm back. unfortunately? no i don't think so, just could have been prolonged. went to visit sam at uni, and was asked 'oh right is he your brother?'. had a really good time actually, it was a bit up and down tho. sam is sam, but perhaps a little more immature? ... i'm not saying its a bad thing, and i feel he was a little less affectionate than i expected. it was so good to see him though, and i was right it did comfort me. i can't wait to go back to see him. the uni was really lovely too, best art studios i've ever seen (despite the fact they're the only ones i've seen) they had the most amazing views. i am seriously considering applying there, the people are nice, the town is nice, the uni is nice, sam is there, and the accomodation is nice. the only bad points are; its not a city so i could imagine getting bored, sams there. i also don't know whether to do a foundation course first or go straight into degree? its seems alot wiser to do a foundation before. the beaches are so lovely. god i use the same bloody adjectives. sam also helped me take some pictures for my art in the style of john coplans. i quite like the 5 and a half hour train journey, gives me a lot of time to think about things. i'm going to get a note book so i can start to jot down thoughts.

i'm happy :)

somethings been going wrong, i'm all mixed up and i don't know whats going on. i gotta talk to you. i gotta talk to you...

well it turns out i didn't attack fred with a chair, little bastard had me feeling terrible. i did however beat up adam, because he fooled me and told me i broke the radio but really he had the remote. also spam and grant are the cheekiest little men on the planet. gah boys.
really looking forward to going to falmouth this weekend, not just because i want to see sam, but at the prospect of a new life next year. i want some motivation to get me through this year, and also he invited me to his freshers ball, which coincidently is on friday and i'm quite excited.
it occured to me that maybe i am being too clingy with sam, i think he needs some space. i hate the thought of being over bearing and suffocating so i am going to give it to him. he knows i care about him, i don't think i need to tell him that every 5 seconds.
i really am a terrible singer, caught myself singing along to jack johnson today and i winced. people know i can't sing but when i actually try its so much worse. definitely a cringe.
current worry: i become bi-polar.
i forget people are allowed to disappoint you, or misunderstand you, they don't do it on purpose, so i promise not to love you any less.

i am an idiot. had a party last night, and lost my dignity again. quite eventful tho; 27 umbrellas in my hair, £23 earnt, jagermeister bombs, monster house, crutch dancing, count down till grandma, auctioning off shit, free presents! it was an alright party actually, just made a tit of my self by attacking fred with a chair ringing everyone in my phone book demanding a pound. oh well they'll get over it.
poured my heart out to lauren last night, regretting it. not sure if i meant what i said and i sounded unbelievably chiche and like a pretentious twat.
not sure if i like the person i am right now, or certainly the way i acted.
so hungry and tired. i am that little puppy from 101 dalmations animation, the one who is so helpless and cold, and tired and hungry.
anyway i'm going to cure my hunger with a feast of waffles, beans and eggs!

i need to go to wimbledon common to find some wombles. didn't know that that was their place of residence. i hope boris johnson makes regular appearances in eastenders. my tv is broken, its like the old days again.

people only realise things when they have gone, or they don't have them any more. self awareness? self analysis?

i feel so much better today, my current mood is such a drastic contrast from that of mondays. i think its the prospect of this amazing weekend ahead. its an extended one, with tonight being a slumber party with my closest girl friends, tomorrow night a film night and saturday night a raffle party, with some incredible prizes up for grabs, all on my behalf. ha it will be rather jokes, charging people a pound to get in aswell. sometimes even i think i am far too cheeky for my own good lol.
i feel like i'm forcing this blog entry a abit at the moment.
i am so happy with sam :)





i love this new caburrys advert, it makes me want to be african.